A few days ago I wrote about something I like to call Non-Traditional Domestic Violence. Since I wrote that post, I have received several emails from women who have lived through all kinds of horrifying abuse at the hands of likely sociopathic men. I wanted to share some of the experiences of these strong women with my readers. When I was living through the abuse, I felt very alone. Even though I had friends and family living near me, I didn’t think anyone would understand what I was going through. I was not even sure how I would begin to explain why I spent so much time crying.
One of the things people wonder about me is why I write. Let me clear this up for the record. I do not write out of vengeance. While I know that Luc (and likely his old man housemate too) are reading every single word I write, this blog is not for them. It is also not to try to change the minds of those who don’t believe psychopathy exists. I write for the mothers (and fathers) who will one day be in family court trying to protect their children, for the man or woman who falls in love with someone who doesn’t exist (a con), for the judges who care about saving kids, for the lawyers who will represent a victim of domestic abuse, for the men and women living through abusive relationships, and most of all – for my son. I want people to know what happened. I promised him that I would see to it that his life will is not forgotten and that I will fight for justice.
It’s unfortunate that my son’s story began with his mother’s horribly abusive relationship. Though its not pretty, it’s important to tell this part of the story. For all the women who have had the strength to write down their story – me and my baby send you hugs. Here are a few that I have heard:
1) ” …I found out I was having twins. My pregnancy was lonely. He wouldn’t touch me, he wouldn’t speak to me. He treated me like a test tube only making sure that I had enough nutrition to keep the babies healthy. I developed pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, high blood pressure and was put on bed rest. While in the bathroom, I collapsed from a pain in my back. My mother and I tried calling “J” (the sociopath) all night and into the morning. He did not answer. I was in the hospital for five days and my boys were in the NICU for 3 weeks. I was there with them every single day and most nights too. “J” was not there.”
2) ” …he would tell me that he was going to China to buy a woman whom he would bring back home to raise his sons. He said a stranger could do a better job that I could. He called me a “negligent cunt” when he discovered a diaper rash on the baby and he threw dirty diapers at me. He asked me to leave the house so he could have a prostitute come over. He would lock the car seats in his car and sleep on the keys so I couldn’t escape with the babies.”
3) “He stopped letting me sleep at nights. He would stay up late playing video games and would come into the bedroom periodically doing something idiotic like yelling at me just to wake me up….or he would shove me out of bed and I would end up down on the couch.”
(Note: At the risk of being a little controversial here, if your boyfriend/husband plays violent video games ALL day and ALL night….to the degree that it impairs his ability to get a job or socialize with others…this is a HUGE red flag. Luc did this – I should have left when I realized this was a problem.)
4) “After a year of abuse…I started planning. I met with a lawyer and I started telling my friends about the abuse (I had previously kept it a secret). One night, when I knew he would be away – I left. I had 13 friends and family show up with a moving van. An aunt took the children and the rest of us packed anything we could for as long as my nerves would hold me at that house. Then – I left.”
5) “After he pushed me into a wall, punched me in the stomach (post pregnancy while holding my 3 month old son), and tried to kick in my front door, I gave up and tried to get him to stay away from me and my son. I finally realized that this was not the kind of man my son needed in his life. He fought me for custody. At first it was supervised, but now its unsupervised. I refused – now we are going back to court because I violated the court order.”
6) “My ex husband poured scalding water on my face because he was upset with his finances and because I wouldn’t allow him to leave the country with our son.”
7) “For nine hours, he held me hostage in his apartment, violently assaulted me, suffocated me with a body pillow…he didn’t allow me to use the bathroom. When I finally told him that I would pee on his floor, he allowed me to go to the bathroom. While I was using the bathroom, he took pictures of me. He then told me he would use these pictures to embarrass me. He did – he sent them to my father’s work e-mail address.”
8) “I’ve seen the scariest man I have ever met walk into a court room with his head bowed, hands clasped, voice low and one tear on his cheek. This has only made him more frightening. I know…how it feels to lose a child. To lose a child due to another’s complete lack of empathy and, in fact, humanity.”
9) “…now he has started to emotionally abuse our son. Every time my five year old son has to go to a court ordered visit, he says ‘please Mommy I will listen, now can I stay at your house? Please, I don’t want to go to any sleeps at Dad’s.”
10) “When I finally got the courage to leave him, he held me at gun point. He told me that I would leave one of two ways – by jumping out of the window or in a body bag after he shot me.”
These stories are horrifying, but sadly they are not as uncommon as we would all like to believe. I have heard the statistic that only four percent of the male population is considered a psychopath. I wonder, however, how many more have gone undiagnosed and how many people are “on the spectrum” and, while not killers, are still abusive and dangerous.
The women who have shared their stories with me are all pretty, smart, and educated. They are someone’s daughter, sister, cousin, friend…
Abuse can happen to anyone. Stupidity is not at all a unifying characteristic for women who have been in abusive relationships.